My story

Born and raised in Zimbabwe

I knew God existed but never factored him much in my day to day life, you could say I was religious but did not have a personal conviction about God. My parents split when I was three but they still continued to take care of my brother and I. We would get the latest clothes and toys so you could say we had everything a child desired. My brother and I were well known in school because of my Dads profession as a radio and TV personality which meant genuine friendships where hard to come by. I remember being told about Jesus back in school but responded saying “I don’t think I need Jesus in my life”.

The British Dream

We were heavily influenced by British and American culture primarily through MTV, BET and other media programmes. I heard how great england was and had the opportunity to visit every summer holiday so I had a taste of the life there and could not wait to move to England.  I got into music in my last year of school, my friend Ian and I put out a song which got airplay on national radio, we even managed to get  a spot at a Channel O festival.

So we had our sights set on fame but it would seem the lord had other plans for me, I moved to London in 2001 where I studied media production. During my time in college I was one of the top students in my class,  student union president and pursuing a “promising” career in music but hollow inside.

Searching for something

I remember breaking down one day, telling my mother how I was so empty despite my outward success.  I remember talking on the phone to my friends back in Harare who spoke of how well I had been doing, but I was never satisfied with my achievements. I had every electronic gadget I dreamed of having, living in the city I had always dreamed of living in but all this did not complete my happiness, I was searching for more.  While at a student conference in Blackpool I was befriended by a Christian who also lived in London.  A few weeks after I returned to London he invited me to church. My experience was like the story Jesus told in Luke 8:12 “The seeds that fell on the footpath represent those who hear the message, only to have the devil come and take it away from their hearts and prevent them from believing and being saved.” There was so much going on in my life at this point that after the service I got swept up in the busyness of life .  But this point in my life marked a three year journey that would eventually lead me to become a Christian.

My second experience was in 2003 when I met Brandon a pastor who invited me to a bible study where I began to learn more about Jesus. I didn’t realize what I was learning was having an effect on me until one day my mother mentioned to me that I seemed different since I started going to the bible study. I remember going to my first gospel hiphop concert where I heard the testimony of Mista Taylor, after the concert he came to speak to me about living a fully committed life to God. In Luke 8:13 Jesus said “The seeds on the rocky soil represent those who hear the message and receive it with joy. But since they don’t have deep roots, they believe for a while, then they fall away when they face temptation.” I knew God wanted me to respond to his call and live completely for him but I was tempted and compromised as I continued to find satisfaction in music, cannabis, money and the pursuit of fame.

The Thorny path

In 2004 I was at my lowest point since moving to England I considered going back home but spoke to friend (Ian, back in Harare) who encouraged me to fight on. That week I went to see the Passion of Christ at the cinema,  I didnt think any of my friends would go with me so I went alone because I felt I had to watch it.  That night I watched Jesus let people crucify him and yet through the process he had nothing but love for them, he even prayed for them then rose from the dead a few days later. That experience had a tremendous impact on my view of God and what it meant to be a Christian. I then forgave the people in my life who I was angry with. I was determined to live like Christ but like the third seed the following was my experience, Luke 8:14 “The seeds that fell among the thorns represent those who hear the message, but all too quickly the message is crowded out by the cares and riches and pleasures of this life. And so they never grow into maturity.”

I reached a season in my life where the lure of record deals and fame were no longer attractive to me so I was content making music as an independent artist.  I got more passionate about social issues like Make Poverty History and would write songs that reflected my views. I thought I found a niche where I was free from compromising for the fame or recording deals but my I was still unsatisfied, something was missing, I had no peace inside.

Stuck in the same zone

Every venture I took started great but ended really badly for me, it felt like I was stuck in a vicious circle.  At this point I was tired of all the sin I committed, failed relationships, business ventures and so I thought to myself, “Maybe its time I just stop ignoring the call.” It didnt seem like I was a bad person from the outside but in my heart I knew God was breaking the selfish pride in me and convicting me of sin so I could turn to him.  I didn’t want to fully compromise but equally I didn’t want to give my whole life to God and so I was stuck in a rut for a long time.

The final seed is described in Luke 8:15 “But those that were sown on the good soil are the ones who hear the word and accept it and bear fruit, thirtyfold and sixtyfold and a hundredfold.” I remember over the summer of 2005 I went to a series of church meetings where I heard the gospel being preached. One particular memory was when the guest preacher said “There are some people here who live double lives”, I was so angry and was making excuses in my head, the ironic thing was that I was high while sitting in church and I knew it was wrong.

The night before I was to get baptised I was so scared and thought it was something bad, I read through the bible (while smoking a joint, what a contradiction, I know..lol) trying to find a reason not to get baptised but It suddenly dawned on me that this was all real and I dedicated my life to God in summer 2005.  I did not understand all the theological reasons but that summer I believe something changed in me and I can only attribute it to God.

Reflections on my journey

In essence there really is nothing wrong with the desire to enjoy life, make music, be famous or move to a new country, after all these are gifts given to us by God for our enjoyment and his glory, the problem  is the motive in the heart, it occurs when we desire these things more than we desire God. This desire ends up becoming worship,  sometimes as artists or (Fill in the blank) our hearts can meditate on the following thoughts, “Music or (Fill in the blank) will deliver me from obscurity by helping me gain exposure and prestige, it will deliver me from a sense of worthlessness by giving me an identity, music will deliver me from poverty by helping me make a living, music will be my God” – Source Unknown. Romans 1:25 speaks of this behaviour as mankind try to replace God with things and people, “they worshiped and served the things God created instead of the Creator himself”

My dream’s and ambitions may have seemed innocent from the surface but when we dig deeper into the root of these desires we see how these dreams and pursuits were inspired by a covetous heart.  The bible describes  covetousness as idolatry,  at the root of covetousness is envy…

Envy is defined as “A feeling of discontent and resentment aroused by and in conjunction with desire for the possessions or qualities of another.” Dictionary

“It can turn into resentment against God and questioning Him: “Why can’t I have what he has, Lord? Don’t you love me enough to give me what I want?” ,  ”At its very core, envy is love of self “ Source

It starts with the dreams that are sold to us through friends, family or media then our already sinful prone hearts respond with envy as we desire other peoples lives. We become continuously dissatisfied with what we already have and who we are as we compare ourselves to others then misery and depression follow. To remedy the problem we selfishly pursue what we think is needed with the hope that it will satisfy our discontentment but its just a vicious circle.  Even If I got to a level where I thought I have “made it”, I am convinced that I would not be satisfied. Here are the words from one of the richest men that ever lived.

“So I became greater than all who had lived in Jerusalem before me, and my wisdom never failed me. Anything I wanted, I would take. I denied myself no pleasure. I even found great pleasure in hard work, a reward for all my labors. But as I looked at everything I had worked so hard to accomplish, it was all so meaningless—like chasing the wind. There was nothing really worthwhile anywhere.” Ecclesiastes 2:9-11

Just like the writer of Ecclesiastes who achieved what we all desire and more,  I learned that everything we achieve on this earth is meaningless without God.

Jesus once said “Take care, and be on your guard against all covetousness, for one’s life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions.” And he told them a parable, saying, “The land of a rich man produced plentifully, and he thought to himself, ‘What shall I do, for I have nowhere to store my crops?’ And he said, ‘I will do this: I will tear down my barns and build larger ones, and there I will store all my grain and my goods. And I will say to my soul, Soul, you have ample goods laid up for many years; relax, eat, drink, be merry.’ But God said to him, ‘Fool! This night your soul is required of you, and the things you have prepared, whose will they be?’ So is the one who lays up treasure for himself and is not rich toward God.”

“In the end, envy and covetousness are Satan’s tools to distract us from pursuing the only thing that will ever make us happy and content—God Himself” – Source

I realised that God broke me down because I was so prideful,  those trials I went through broke me  so he could rebuild me through his holy spirit. God desires that we would find our satisfaction in knowing him and using our lives to help those around us.

Jesus said the most important commandment is to Love God and Love others as yourself, when you pursue God above money, sex, ministry, relationships etc you will become content, you will nolonger be selfish, you will be selfless, you will find your identity in him, you will receive the fruit of the Spirit which is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, self-control etc. He may or may not change your situation but he will certainly change you for the better.

The Christian life is a daily process of learning who God is as we constantly resist sin and enjoy his presence in our lives, it’s not about doing Christian activities or social actions to be made right with God but its about putting our faith in Jesus alone for the salvation of our souls. I leave you with some scriptures to meditate on fromPhilippians  3:7-14 and Romans 3:23-27

For more blogs from me visit www.balivamusic.com/blog